Chronicles of a Little Family

 Just another Friday night turned out to be my worst nightmare last week. I managed to cook dinner for the whole family but just because I didn't have any left, I decided to order via Zomato. I ate it even though I knew something was wrong with it. I woke up at 3 am with severe pain in my abdomen and what followed landed me at Emergency care. Ichu saw me lose consciousness and she saw me being pricked by needles. She saw me being taken to MICU. She waited patiently till midnight to catch a glimpse of me. They didn't let her in and Momo had a tough time soothing her to sleep. Well she slept completely exhausted from all the wailing. Ichu has been exclusively nursed to sleep all these years and then one fine night it was snatched from her. Next day they didn't let me meet her till noon. My parents told me she has been so mature about this and corporated with them every single time. I was so proud of her but I knew she would break in front of me soon. As soon as she saw me, she bit her lips to not let her cry it out. But her eyes spoke volumes of the pain she went through. She wouldn't come next to me or sit next to me. I extended my hand so many times just to touch her once but she walked away breaking my heart into million pieces. Momo told me she hasn't slept in all these nights and has been missing me so much. Today I got discharged and we were all convinced that maybe she is mentally ready to be completely weaned. We got into the car and she was finally excited that I am going home with her after  3 nights. She didn't ask me milk and I didn't offer her either. We were talking and laughing and everything seemed perfect.Then came the most dreaded minute of my life. It was way past her bedtime and she started losing control over her emotions. I asked her if I could sing her to sleep to which she broke down and kept saying, " Amma poyko....Ichunu mati Ichunu mati....Amma poyko amma poyko...." She cried for good 10 minutes asking me to leave.... I broke down myself and went on my knees saying sorry. I asked her several times if I can pick her up and hug her to which she replied asking me to leave. I had broken my child's biggest emotional support. I stayed their silent drowning in my tears while she cried her heart out telling me how much she went through these 3 days and nights without me. She passed out exhausted on Momo's shoulder and now is sleeping next to me. When will I ever be able to forgive myself for doing this to her....yet another December to remember...

 We recently got an opportunity to attend a wedding at Trivandrum and I must say, it was a memorable trip. We stayed at Kunjiyammumma's home and it was nothing short of perfect. Warm, cozy and peaceful. Weddings are such beautiful occasions for meeting family and friends, even making new friends and memories. I guess Ichu enjoyed the most meeting kids and dancing to her favourite numbers. This story is about a beautiful toddler Aami, who stole my heart. She must be 2 to 3 months senior to Ichu. She was chatty, bratty and weirdly awesome. We met her first on the wedding eve. She was curious about Ichu because Ichu is extremely observant in a new environment. I could also feel her curious little eyes on me every time I spoke to Ichu. She was hovering around us the whole evening. She walked up to to me several times just to sit next to me and stare. Well, that was awkward but hey we smiled and spoke about Ichu. I caught her running behind Ichu calling her kunji baby. She was constantly grabbed away and threatened to be beaten up every time she was loud and impulsive. Toddler age, I guess is all about being told 'NO' every now and then. It's actually sad when we think from their perspective. Facts aside, here's a girl who just doesn't care how much she's being restrained. She is persistent and determined to go ahead for whatever she wants.We must have seen the viral video of this "respectable"elderly uncle in Kerala who walked into a crowded arcade to grab the ass of a young girl who was dancing her heart out. He walked away as soon she turned around to find the culprit who violated her. It's easy for a random guy to violate any young girl child, woman or an old lady in a crowded place. Dear women readers, did you just recollect that traumatic experience once again? Pretty sure, each one of us have been through it once or twice so far in our lives. So yeah back to the story, Ichu, Kunji and Aami found this huge brass vessel right at the reception area of the wedding hall. It was filled with water and many lotus flowers were floating on it. Children had the best time playing with it. Many elderly men were sitting right behind them watching the toddlers have the time of their lives. One of them walked upto Aami and said, " Vellathil kalikkuvano? (Are you playing in water?)"and Aami replied," Athe (Yes)" without even looking at this man. Now I don't know if the elderly man was a family friend or a stranger so I stayed mum waiting to see what's the next move. His next line was, " Varunno ente koode? Mixture vangichu tharaam " (Do you want to come with me? I'll buy you mixture). She  looked at him and replied, " Iri, Iri...(Sit,. sit down). He immediately sat down next to her and asked her the same question. Aami's reply blew my mind. She said," Mixture full erivaa, eneettu poyko, eniku thalparyamilla!"( Mixture is spicy, Get up and leave, I'm not interested!.) My immediate reaction was, " Midukki! ". The man clearly didn't like my response. He got up and walked away. Aami and I shared a good laugh and I ended up getting drenched while keeping an eye of the chattambi ranis. Who's complaining though, I got to watch why bold is the new beautiful. 

 We recently got an opportunity to attend a wedding at Trivandrum and I must say, it was a memorable trip. We stayed at Kunjiyammumma's home and it was nothing short of perfect. Warm, cozy and peaceful. Weddings are such beautiful occasions for meeting family and friends, even making new friends and memories. I guess Ichu enjoyed the most meeting kids and dancing to her favourite numbers. This story is about a beautiful toddler Aami, who stole my heart. She must be 2 to 3 months senior to Ichu. She was chatty, bratty and weirdly awesome. We met her first on the wedding eve. She was curious about Ichu because Ichu is extremely observant in a new environment. I could also feel her curious little eyes on me every time I spoke to Ichu. She was hovering around us the whole evening. She walked up to to me several times just to sit next to me and stare. Well, that was awkward but hey we smiled and spoke about Ichu. I caught her running behind Ichu calling her kunji baby. She was constantly grabbed away and threatened to be beaten up every time she was loud and impulsive. Toddler age, I guess is all about being told 'NO' every now and then. It's actually sad when we think from their perspective. Facts aside, here's a girl who just doesn't care how much she's being restrained. She is persistent and determined to go ahead for whatever she wants.We must have seen the viral video of this "respectable"elderly uncle in Kerala who walked into a crowded arcade to grab the ass of a young girl who was dancing her heart out. He walked away as soon she turned around to find the culprit who violated her. It's easy for a random guy to violate any young girl child, woman or an old lady in a crowded place. Dear women readers, did you just recollect that traumatic experience once again? Pretty sure, each one of us have been through it once or twice so far in our lives. So yeah back to the story, Ichu, Kunji and Aami found this huge brass vessel right at the reception area of the wedding hall. It was filled with water and many lotus flowers were floating on it. Children had the best time playing with it. Many elderly men were sitting right behind them watching the toddlers have the time of their lives. One of them walked upto Aami and said, " Vellathil kalikkuvano? (Are you playing in water?)"and Aami replied," Athe (Yes)" without even looking at this man. Now I don't know if the elderly man was a family friend or a stranger so I stayed mum waiting to see what's the next move. His next line was, " Varunno ente koode? Mixture vangichu tharaam " (Do you want to come with me? I'll buy you mixture). She  looked at him and replied, " Iri, Iri...(Sit,. sit down). He immediately sat down next to her and asked her the same question. Aami's reply blew my mind. She said," Mixture full erivaa, eneettu poyko, eniku thalparyamilla!"( Mixture is spicy, Get up and leave, I'm not interested!.) My immediate reaction was, " Midukki! ". The man clearly didn't like my response. He got up and walked away. Aami and I shared a good laugh and I ended up getting drenched while keeping an eye of the chattambi ranis. Who's complaining though, I got to watch why bold is the new beautiful. 

 Yesterday was Ichu's vaccination day, and I had prepared her well enough for over a week explaining everything to her. She was excited to meet her doctor uncle. But as soon as she walked into his cabin, she fought hard not to cry. She reluctantly showed her Maisy book to him, where Maisy went to the hospital. As usual, her doctor burst out laughing, and she started bawling. Thankfully, he asked our nanny to take her out so that we could talk in private.The first question he asked was how is her association with food. Momo and I replied with a double thumbs up. He was surprised and said, "That's great news." I immediately brought to his attention that we still don't give her refined sugar. He said, " That's the best news I heard today!". Every time we say no to chocolates or other sugar rich food for Ichu, we are often stared at amidst our close family. I understand we all grew up eating chocolates and ice creams. But hey, we have a generation that is taking insulin while writing board exams these days. Ichu does have a sweet tooth, and I cook Carrot halwa and palada whenever she craves for it, but with panakalkandam or jaggery. He even asked how much screentime does she get. Raising a child with zero screen time is such a rare thing, apparently. And when I said she has a better library that I ever did, her doctor said, " This is the best parenting model ever." We gave her first book at the age of 6 months. Now she asks for books and I can't be prouder. The fact that our pediatrician mentioned how he has started blogging to raise awareness about how to humanize our children brings us to the whole point of how this generation is nothing but addicted to screens. Currently, we are facing the biggest meltdowns at home with Ichu because whenever she steps outside, she sees a kid with a mobile phone. Every single family member that visits us will play with her for 5 min and then get back to scrolling on the phone. How do you expect her to remain calm when the entire world around her makes her feel that she is not as important as the metal piece in their hand. It's actually sad that kids have no choice but to ask for a phone just so that they can be a part of our family. It's the sense of belonging that they want. How do we humanize our child when the rest of the world are turning theirs into robots. How do we humanize our child when the immediate family pays no respect to what we suggest. How do we humanize our child when she has to yell to get attention from others phones. How do we humanize our child when we are considered villians for taking a stand.  How do we humanize our child? 

 We began our trip from Kochi to Varkala on 20th March in the wee hours and here's to the beautiful little black cat that crossed our path as soon as we started the ignition. I immediately asked Momo, " Why do you think old traditions and superstitious people say that when a black cat crosses our path when we are about to start our auspicious journey, it is considered as a bad omen?". His reply was, "I know right, they are most beautiful creatures. Black is so elegant." There, right there is the reason why I know I have high standards while choosing the wisest and kindest people in my life. Hail Momo!Dear little black kitten, Thank you for crossing our path. The trip was nothing sort of magical and Ichu was excited to see you run past us. I hope we humans learn to respect  and genuinely appreciate everyone around us irrespective of color just like you animals. You do not deserve to be deemed unworthy by us mere mortals who clearly can't afford to understand why God made us in different colors and sizes. Lion King was written by a human. A villian like Scar would never happen in the animal world. Think about it. I guess this is the by far the best opportunity for me to reaffirm that it's perfect to be different.

 My baby did not cry when she was born nor did she breathe. Pretty sure when the Neonatal specialists were giving their best shot at reviving her, she visited God to confirm if I was the right one to raise her. I laid there wondering what's taking so long and then finally when she was brought to me, like a an idiot I asked, "a boy?" to which the doctor said, " No, a girl!". I smiled and wondered if I really wanted a boy. Exactly 2 years later, today, here she is enquiring every single thing that she sees and I guess it was God who convinced her that I will genuinely try to give answers to all her questions. Always adorning her appealing smile, she has been a curious baby since 2022. I guess if we just run back in time we could clearly remember how people kept asking why her mouth is always open. I would gladly say that she is just observing. CUT to 2024, here is a toddler extremely aware about her social circumstances. She is most carefree amongst people whom she loves but at the same time, a sassy boss lady when she does not like the vibe of a random stranger. The other day Mary chechi (Ichu's nanny) told me about how 2 random men walked into the lift along with Ichu and Mary chechi. Ichu clearly didn't enjoy their company so much so that she told them, "avide vere lift undu." My God, the audacity of a toddler! But hey, isn't that what we lack as adults. We are so good at people pleasing that instead of saying what we really think we end up sugar coating our words. Life would have been so much easier if we just told what we had in our minds rather than keeping it to ourselves and choosing to ruin our peace of mind.In short, my Ichu is turning 2 today and I am being given lessons in life about how to feel loved. My mini me talks exactly like I do, negotiates better than I do, is resilient like momo, is a people magnet and  has a heart full of love and compassion to share with the world. I hope with each year she grows up, I become a better person worthy enough to love her and respect her for the new changes in her. I hope she feel safe and secure with us forever and that we never make her feel alone in any battle in her life. Here's to the fighter who lights up our little world.  Happy birthday my heartbeat.

Well guess what,It's the year 2024 and people are brutally murdered for having an opinion or being different from the rest of the society. ( Kaliyugam ennokke kettittundu )Dear women,Let's stand up for each other and raise children who believe in kindness and collaboration.Ceasefire at Gaza for god's sake!Ugh, Happy women's day or whatever!

 I am a perfectionist. I hate making mistakes and seeing my loved ones take a wrong turn. Isn't that the biggest psychological issue many of us face these days? I recently got to watch an interview of a child psychologist who said when children make mistakes, don't ever tell them, " Didn't I tell you not to do so?". But as we all remember we grew up listening to it, didn't we? Apparently it breaks your child's confidence and authenticity to try new things and make their own mistakes. Yes, it does make sense because my adulthood has always been about getting things done perfectly and then becoming upset when things go out of control. Well what use of the 92% at ICSE board exams if you can't handle your emotions and manage stress in your adulthood.The other day I got our dinner table ready and poured Ichu's warm water into her water bottle, placed it on the table leaving it half open. Right after dinner when Ichu coughed a little I asked Momo to pass her water bottle so that she can take a sip. Poor  chap didn't know I hadn't closed it properly and ended up spilling the whole bottle onto the floor. My immediate reaction was anger. It was a rought day for me, Ichu was clingy and I had to cook constantly stimulated by her cries amd melt downs. I had  boiled her jeerakam water, kept it under the fan to make it lukewarm and poured it into her bottle. As I said earlier, perfectly warm enough for her to drink and now it's all over the floor. No, I did not yell at Momo instead I stayed quite inspite of fire raging in me. I took a minute and told Momo, " Kuzhappamilla, namuku thudachu kalayam. Saramillatto!" Wow, it took so much effort from me to just calm down and say those words. Ichu's immediate reaction was, "Acha, kuzhappamilla...saramillatto!". And there, there's the success I wanted to achieve. Controlling the  perfectionist in me so that we learn relationships are far more valuable than telling, "Didn't I tell you not to do so?" Guess what, wasn't it my mistake to leave the bottle half closed to even imagine Momo would close it before passing it to Ichu. Unlearning so many things each day as a Stay at Home Mom to ensure I can help my child develop emotion stability because, hey,  getting Distinction at everything you ever attempted will not save you if you can't value your sense of self and build a strong mental health. 

  It's just surprising how fast our toddlers pick up words that we use frequently, our manners, our emotional energy and how quickly they respond with their little cute additions to whatever they learn. I have a habit of apologizing and empathazing a tad too much since Ichu happened. On the other hand, Momo is resilient in his own ways. We are polar opposites when it comes to expressing ourselves. Ichu has managed to express like me out openly but with the calmness that Momo posses. It's just beautiful to understand how our babies observe everything around them and learn to be a part of our world so quickly. The other day while bathing Ichu, I saw an injury on her left toe and my immediate reaction to it was , "Ayyoda, how did it happen? Did it hurt badly?" I might have cursed myself for getting that new shoe which led to her injury and I might have even wondered where to get her a comfortable shoes, all in that split second. I guess you have understood by now that I am the overthinker in our family. So yeah Ichu brought me back to reality saying, "Amma, kuzhappamilla amma." She said those words with the most comforting smile that a mother can get. I did look at Momo and go awwwww. That's Momo's genes acting up. Trust me, I couldn't be more privileged to know that my baby who still hasn't turned 2 knows that she is resilient enough to manage her problems and comfort her mother everytime she overthinks. Good God, I wasn't kidding when I said what a smooth talker. 

 What's more important to you? Doing what is right for the child or letting the child cherish a new experience to be part of her circle?Ichu now has a new routine where she plays with her apartment friends for atleast an hour in the evening. She comes back right on time for her dinner all sweaty and hungry. Good for me, she happily gobbles her food whilst detailing every single moment that happened downstairs at the play area. Mind you, she is such a story teller. The other day, Momo told me that kids were sharing packet of Gems and polo in the middle of their games and when they innocently tried sharing it with  Ichu as well,  Momo impulsively stopped them from giving it to her saying she is too young to be eating it. He then went on to say how Ichu was extremely calm and continued to play after drinking water from her bottle. It broke a piece of my heart picturing her standing there watching others eat and wondering why she is not a part of that experience. Tears started rolling down my cheeks thinking, Am I a little too crazy to be this adamant about her diet? I could just let her have all the sugar and chocolates. We don't have a TV at home ( well it was a conscious decision) so she barely knows anything about chocolates or other kids related advertisements. When she spots a TV at a relative's place she says there music in it and we happily play some Music MOJO hits which has least editing and is less stimulating. I still don't give her refined sugar instead I choose panakalkandam. This is a personal choice and I would like to continue this till she is old enough to choose what is best for her. I read through the ingredients list like a strict teacher every single time we go shopping at a hyper market. It's appalling to see the amount of preservatives, emulsifiers, added sugar in every packet of food items these days. The Funnily the amrutham podi they give from anganwadi has 20 % of sugar while wheat stands at 45 %, bengal gram at 15%, ground nut at 10%, soya at 10%. It will always be a big No for Ichu. So yeah I always choose healthier options for my family and it's been a drastic change. In my defense, I hope every single decision I make today can bring good health for my family. Someday it will be all worth it. Ichu is worth it. Not that my plan is full proof, but atleast I know I tried my best reading and researching everything possible. She will definitely be a part of her circle or more so a change maker in her circle if I can guide her in the right direction. Please say yes na.... 

 I have been reading up on homeschooling these days. Oops, are you thinking what I am thinking? I have been an above average student all my life. My family proudly said well she can manage high scores easily. No they never asked me or pressurized me to be the topper in class but have you noticed how all the neighbours just wanted to know how much I scored in 10th and 12th? Do you even understand what a huge pressure that is to kids? I was literally scared of failing. I excelled in almost everything I did. But did it make me an anxious grown ass adult who gets frustrated even at the slightest uncontrollable situations. Well yes, that's what happened. Since Ichu happened, I am genuinely trying to inculcate the fact that life is all about letting it go. I didn't have friends initially at school till I was in 7th STD. I was this weird tiny child who no one wanted to play with. I have had situations where I would beg my classmates to include me in their games. I vividly remember how I would peep through the glass door of the AV room during tea breaks and lunch breaks to see my seniors dancing for the upcoming competitions. As a 4th STD kid who had no friends, watching seniors dancing was all that made me happy at school. My classmates never saw that I even existed. I would end up being given written letters as to why they believe I don't belong with them. Well that used to be a thing back in my days. I guess I received around 4 to 5 letters of rejection from my classmates. I never told about this to anyone in my life and I would just come back home and cry in my room. It was probably when I took part in a solo dance competition in my 7th grade, people started noticing me. Then there was no turning back. I got into dancing, singing, acting and my god even sports. I worked hard so much to earn that social acceptance at school that I forgot how unnecessarily efficient I had become. Today when I see Ichu running around and playing with kids at our apartment I sometimes wonder will the world treat her the same way they treated me. Just because I didn't fit the societal expectations of a 'normal' child. There are days when random strangers pass a comment, " My God, isn't she too tiny to be 1 year 9 months?" And there do you see why I thought about homeschooling 😅Perhaps I also understand why our education system is all about creating employees rather than free willed intelligent people. Guess what, I am going to leave it up to her. 

Suddenly, she needs water, her socks feel 'too loud', and she absolutely must say goodnight to the moon. We can't even be mad; the creativity is astounding.

 I realize it's been weeks since I wrote but life has been throwing too many lemons to catch on. After almost 3 weeks we managed to get rid of the flu and decided to throw a Diwali party at home. I love celebrating every festival because it gives us a chance to enjoy the togetherness of a community. It's such a positive experience and I am adamant that Ichu gets to experience and soak in all these festivities and warmth. We had visited my parents' place last week and we were on our way back home. It was past 9:30 pm and Ichu was breastfeeding when our car crashed into a tempo traveller that was parked on the container road. Momo had seat belt on and  Ichu and myself were seated behind, but without the seat belt on. As we crashed my instant reaction was to cover her and thankfully I managed to keep her safe. In the mean time I hit my head, chest and left arm leaving me shivering in trauma and pain. I was immediately rushed to hospital and Ichu saw me trembling. She was snatched from me while I was taken for scans and X-rays to check any internal damage. By God's grace I was told I have no internal injuries. I still have chest pain though but I guess that will subside soon. Ichu bawled in the emergency room like crazy for she thought I was never coming back for her. Hearing her cries hurt me more than the accident injury. She hasn't left my side since that day. It's funny how she indicates that I am about to have a panic attack even before I know for myself. My battle with anxiety has been a long one and this time I can proudly say that I am handling it so well all because of Momo and Ichu. My parents have been with us so that I can get ample rest before we shift back to our home. I hope to stay alive and continue writing because now that I have bounced back into my normal routine I have no time to die. 

 If you have been reading up everything I wrote so far you must have pretty much understood how old my baby is. Well, she is  a toddler now. I have been breastfeeding her since the day she was born but let me tell you one thing. The journey has not been an easy one. It was extremely painful for me initially because she couldn't latch properly and then nipple blisters and soreness made post partum period literally a hell. My body always produced excess milk and I had to pump and throw it ( unfortunately )away because otherwise it would lead to excruciating pain if the baby doesn't drink it up. By the 3rd month, Ichu and I got comfortable with the whole deal. It was in her 7th month I went through one of the worst periods of my life. She started taking solids and wasn't requiring milk as much as she used to. I forgot to pump the excess milk one fine day and ended up with 104 degree fever and two heavy rocks on my breasts. I was immediately taken to the hospital due to shivering and then the gynec, without any mercy expressed out the milk while I screamed in pain. Apparently I had developed lumps and it had gotten infected, all because I forgot to pump the excess milk I had produced. I literally saw tears in Momo's eyes everytime I fed Ichu because I was clenching and digging my nails into pillow as she drank from me. We even thought if we should wean her off. I would throw away milk every single day till she completed 1 year because my body thought, hey let's just keep making extra milk for Ichu even if she has started taking solids. Thankfully by the time she turned 1, I stopped pumping and was able to manage my daily routine without having to wonder where my breast pump was. Today as she completes 1 year 6 months on this planet, let tell how you the tables have turned. We have bonded over our breastfeeding session so much that it's funny how she feels when she is hurt or feeling bad she just needs to ask for milk. To be honest, most of my family thinks she is obsessed with my breast milk. What they don't understand is its not about getting any calories from it, but every single drop of breastmilk provides immunity to the baby and oh man, it co-regulates our nervous system. It calms her down and makes me calm at the same time. Last time her pediatrician asked me when I was planning to wean her off and I said not yet. Well if my body decides to stop, that is a completely different scenario. But given a choice, I am not planning to stop it until and unless she says Amma eniku venda. Funnily, last night at around 3 am she whispered, " Amma... paaal!". So I turned to her side to feed her to realize that she had already dozed off and she was just speaking in her sleep. Ok maybe she is a little obsessed with my milk 😅

 No matter how much you try , you still cannot protect yourself 100 percent during the flu season. As I type this I have a toddler lying next to me all tired after a rough night due to fever and cough. Momo was the first to receive the virus from the outside world but he's been popping pills to stay "active" to help him complete his work at office. I was never interested in cooking while growing up probably because too many instructions used to annoy me and I would choose watching a movie or reading a book over entering the kitchen always. It was soon after Ichu's first birthday we decided to move to an apartment and live separately from our parents. Initially it was scary because I wasn't good at cooking, not that I am saying I am currently great at it but I can manage my kitchen decently now. I wanted to cook something special for Momo and Ichu yesterday for dinner and I found this perfect pasta recipe online. I managed to whip up a decent one but we had to rush to the doctor's in the evening to get both Momo and Ichu checked. By the time we got our medicines it was half past 7 and I suggested we go back home and have the pasta that I made. As we moved towards our parking slot, I told Momo, " I hope you and Ichu like the pasta I made. It must have become all cold and soggy now though." He clearly understood my helplessness. While he perfectly parked his vehicle he said, " I am sure Ichu and I would enjoy it because you make it so much love and food tastes so much better when you put your heart into it." Trust me, that reply made my day. I knew I had married the right man because he never fails to recognize the effort I take. I have always been a career woman. It was after my pregnancy I decided to be a stay at home mom to run the house so that Momo can handle the corporate work. I do miss my career life but he thanks me every now and then for supporting him by running the house while he works tirelessly at office. He says we are two sides of the same coin and that we work as a team to raise our child. Yes, I will get back to work soon but these days will always be cherished for the unconditional love and support I received from Momo and Ichu for I was always told kettichu vittal bhakshanam engane undakki kodukkumo endo 🙈 FYI, cooking is a life skill and not a gender role and might I say Momo cooks much better than I do. His chicken curry is finger licking good 🤌 And back to a loud sneeze again....

 Growing up I have never seen my parents or grand parents hug each other or express their love for each other explicitly.  It was when I moved outside Kerala for my under graduation in Bangalore and Post graduation in Pune, I realized people are more open to expressing their love physically for other beings. For that matter we used to  wish each other good morning with a hug. What a beautiful concept! Scientifically speaking a hug can release happy hormones in your body and can reduce stress. We are a generation suffering from anxiety, stress and depression more than any other generations before. I personally feel a hug from your closest friend or family member can make a huge difference. Momo and myself never shy away from expressing our love for each other in front of Ichu at home. We hug and kiss and even dance in front of her. Everytime she is happy with a meal or the quality time we spend with her, she usually runs in for a hug and we ensure that we never break the hug first. Trust me, I have been off my anxiety medications for 3 months now. All thanks to my beautiful family, my world,  Momo and Ichu who constantly ensure we hug and love unconditionally. Getting back to my life update, Ichu recently had a great evening at Chittilapilly square at Kakkanad. She made a lot of friends and enjoyed the company of 2 year olds. As we were about to leave, she decided to go and hug a 2 year old boy  and his immediate reaction was to push her away. He seemed uncomfortable and surprisingly Ichu decided to be all cool about it. Thank God! I am talking about 2 strong babies here. My baby is good at expressing love with a hug while the other baby boy was setting his boundaries right. No, I do not intend to blame the parents, for it is he who decides who gets to touch him and I respect that. He smiled at her and waved a bye. That's good enough. At the end of the day, let's respect their bodily boundaries. I would have stood up for Ichu if she said No as well. How beautiful the world would be if we decided to make peace with body consent rather than making judgements. Pattumenkil pause and think about this! 

  Where do you draw the line.... We have never force fed Ichu. It was a conscious effort from our part to respect her no. The other day we had visited Momo's parents' place at Kannur and Ichu was full of joy meeting her first cousin Kunji. She is 6 months old and may I say what a wonderful baby she is. One fine evening while Ichu and Kunji were playing, Momo's mother got them steamed bananas. Ichu happily devoured as her granny lovingly fed her. It was Kunji's turn then. But no, she wasn't in a mood to eat. Amma kept trying to feed and she kept her mouth shut firmly. Ichu was watching all this carefully. I suggested we give her food a little later. By the way Ichu now understands malayalam really well. Amma in the mean time managed to distract Kunji and while she opened her mouth to express her surprise, amma slyly pushed some banana inside her mouth. Kunji was visibly upset. I don't blame amma because this is the tradition that we follow or rather have been following for years. Ichu on the other hand had a completely different expression. She screamed in anger, pushed the plate away and stood in front of Kunji. She didn't have words to express hence she started crying. The whole room wondered what triggered this reaction and while I decoded the situation, we realized it was my baby daughter standing up for her younger sister who just said No. It was extraordinary. I was proud of my little lady who is just 1 year 6 months old. I stood there with tears of joy in my eyes knowing that somewhere I am healing my inner child while I raise my baby girl. No is a no and no is a full sentence.

 I have always been scared of a lot of things. Perhaps it was meant to be, considering the environment I was brought up in. My family was always too protective. I guess they took the saying 'Prevention is better than cure' a little too seriously.  Let's skip spicy food for her, she might cry. Let's not give her work, she might fail and feel sad. Let's not keep her near insects, it might bite her. Let's not leave her alone, she will always need help. I don't intend to blame them, for it was all to keep me from external harm. But what it did to me psychologically is something beyond my control today.Everytime Ichu tries something on her own I automatically jump up to prevent a mishap that can "possibly" happen. Imagine the deep rooted conditioning working its magic effortlessly. It took me sometime to realize that it is my reaction that needs to change rather than her action. It takes so much courage ( may I say stress)  for me to say  'Let her be...' every single day.  Sometimes it's so rewarding to see your baby manage things on her own. Yes, there are times she does extreme stunts and I have to re-direct her energy to something different. If it's a safe environment and she is confident about her I tell myself, "Just let her be...". Trust me, it's been magical to see my baby protect herself in times of need. May I say, enna creativity aanne kochinu.....

 Ichu is teething massively and she has this urge to put things in her mouth every now and then. Today she tried biting the lock of the door and I shamelessly lost my cool. I said, " No Ichu....". Pretty sure I raised my voice ( already feeling terrible at heart) and scared my baby. She stopped biting and looked at me worried. I started feeling guilty for raising my voice. She then said, " Baby..." exactly the loving way I try to convince her to do something. Gosh, I smiled instantly. I smiled like an idiot in love. Seeing me laugh, she ran in for a hug. What a smooth little talker she's become. I am in trouble alle? ..

 Momo, Ichu and I had gone to First Cry to get her few sleeveless tops, one fine weekend. I really don't understand what's with the weather these days. When it should be raining it's all hot and sweaty and when it should be warm it's all rainy and moody. Ah anyways, my baby is not very keen on wearing any type of dress. We still have to convince her about how nice she looks with the dress on. Gosh, the struggles parenthood. As we walked towards the lift we saw a middle aged man and young man enter the same lift. They slowly made space for us to enter and smiled at Ichu. Ichu gave a pleasant smile and waved them Hi. The middle aged man asked me how old my baby was. I smiled and said she is 1 year 6 months old. Well his instant reaction changed the whole mood of the people inside the lift. He said, " Wow, what a healthy baby for an unhealthy mother. " I looked at Momo and he knew I was going to give it back.  And yes I did. I said, " My healthy baby did come out of  this "unhealthy " body of mine without any problem. It's appalling to see how randomly someone can ruin someone's happiness with a comment that's totally unnecessary. Let me also add it's extremely sad that you body shame other people to think they are unhealthy. It doesn't matter if they are fat or thin, fair or brown, tall or short, body shaming is bad. Valare mosham uncle, valare mosham!" He started fumbling to say a sorry but he couldn't even manage to make a sentence come out if his mouth. I saw a smile form on the younger man's face though. Tada, we reached our floor and we walked out with our baby towards our home. Momo held my hand and said, " That was a good one baby! Do you feel good now?" And I replied, " Hell yeah! "

 It was rather an average normal day when I realized I no longer have salt at home. I asked Mary chechi to bring Ichu along as we walked towards the grocery shop right next our flat. Ichu found a young kid walking with a cap on as the sun was all out planning to make us experience the scorching heat. Luckily Mary chechi had carried an umbrella for Ichu and herself. I carefully crossed the road and asked the shopkeeper for a packet of salt. As I began to leave she asked me, " Mole, how old are you?". I said, " I am 31, chechi." She had an excited look on her face and then went on talk about her grandkid. Apparently she is really thin and tiny. She said, " She has no health issues, she is first in her class and extremely good at dance and music. I don't understand why people make us feel she is not healthy enough." I realized why she asked me to pause and talk to her. I told her I was good at academics and extra curricular activities myself and I had no health issues in-spite of looking petite if I may give myself some respect. She still seemed a little concerned for the society pressured the parents to doubt their up bringing. So I grabbed her hand and led her towards the exit of the shop. I pointed at my baby and said I am a mother of 1 year 6 month old. She is happy and healthy, touchwood. She was surprised to see Ichu smile and scream ammma from across the road. She held my hand and sighed. Must have been a relief to know all tiny people are not unhealthy as per society standards. I gave her a firm handshake and said , " Your grandkid will turn out fine. She is worth all the happiness in this world. Just stand by her when the society mocks her appearance for society never understands that a person's virtue has nothing to do with their appearance or body size. " As I crossed the road to see my baby excited to jump into my hands, the shopkeeper waved a bye to Ichu and Ichu gave her a flying kiss.Thadiyil alla karyam manasalle nannavendathu!