Just another Friday night turned out to be my worst nightmare last week. I managed to cook dinner for the whole family but just because I didn't have any left, I decided to order via Zomato. I ate it even though I knew something was wrong with it. I woke up at 3 am with severe pain in my abdomen and what followed landed me at Emergency care. Ichu saw me lose consciousness and she saw me being pricked by needles. She saw me being taken to MICU. She waited patiently till midnight to catch a glimpse of me. They didn't let her in and Momo had a tough time soothing her to sleep. Well she slept completely exhausted from all the wailing. Ichu has been exclusively nursed to sleep all these years and then one fine night it was snatched from her. Next day they didn't let me meet her till noon. My parents told me she has been so mature about this and corporated with them every single time. I was so proud of her but I knew she would break in front of me soon. As soon as she saw me, she bit her lips to not let her cry it out. But her eyes spoke volumes of the pain she went through. She wouldn't come next to me or sit next to me. I extended my hand so many times just to touch her once but she walked away breaking my heart into million pieces. Momo told me she hasn't slept in all these nights and has been missing me so much. Today I got discharged and we were all convinced that maybe she is mentally ready to be completely weaned. We got into the car and she was finally excited that I am going home with her after 3 nights. She didn't ask me milk and I didn't offer her either. We were talking and laughing and everything seemed perfect.

Then came the most dreaded minute of my life. It was way past her bedtime and she started losing control over her emotions. I asked her if I could sing her to sleep to which she broke down and kept saying, " Amma poyko....Ichunu mati Ichunu mati....Amma poyko amma poyko...." She cried for good 10 minutes asking me to leave.... I broke down myself and went on my knees saying sorry. I asked her several times if I can pick her up and hug her to which she replied asking me to leave. I had broken my child's biggest emotional support. I stayed their silent drowning in my tears while she cried her heart out telling me how much she went through these 3 days and nights without me. She passed out exhausted on Momo's shoulder and now is sleeping next to me.

When will I ever be able to forgive myself for doing this to her....yet another December to remember...